introducing the infamous rev. rohan k.


If you like I’ll take you to the undertaker’s ball
It’s usually a splendid bash but be prepared to feel a fool
For if you do not know their funerary ways they get really quite aggrieved
For the only other folk they ever meet are the recently bereaved
And if you turn up dressed like that they might mistake you for a corpse
But never mind – I’ll be by your side

I have many other friends who’d love to come but I’d rather go with you
So whiten up that pretty little face and ruffle up those plumes
And sharpen the crease on your old top hat and tie that ribbon nice and tight
For if there’s any justice left in the world we should be in for a pretty good night
For when death no longer scares you you’ve got nothing left to loose
Except your soul – and that’s nothing new

Last years event was a splendid do, they came from all around
It seemed as if a great swarm of bats had descended upon the town
With their cloaks and their canes and their black top hats and ingratiating smiles
There were no lilies left for miles around

With a wreath down here and a shovel over there they’re always getting up to pranks
Like the time they stripped the vicar of his vestements and left him chained outside the bank
Or the time they spiked the punch with formaldehyde and we all went home half-embalmed
Oh it gave me a splitting headache, but that’s all just part of the charm
And hide the penny is a whole new game when you’re dealing with a corpse
But then of course, you’ve done all that before

And the charnel house is all spick and span and the bones are all polished up bright
And Rory is piercing holes in the ceiling to let in more natural moonlight
And “Guy has landed the vertical loop”, but I don’t know what that means
They haven’t told me yet – I hope to find out soon...

So I’d really like to take you, and there’s no need to look so scared
And I hope I haven’t put you off with the things that I have said
For they’re really quite a friendly bunch and they don’t mean any harm
So ruffle up those jet-black plumes and whiten up your face
And I’ll pick you up at midnight in my finest horse drawn hearse
So don’t be late –


  1. Read an extract from the introduction.
  2. Polite Notice
  3. Just Because...
  4. Everybody's Happy to be Dead
  5. The Undertaker's Ball

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Will all patrons please remain seated
Whilst I belittle myself to amuse you
For I've tried pretty metaphors and sensitive rhymes
But the effort just seemed to confuse you
Rev. Rohan K.

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